I went through high school hanging on the sidelines watching the “in kids” interact. Although I wouldn’t classify myself as being one of the unpopular kids in my school I certainly wasn’t in the clique that ruled the social network there. I certainly didn’t lack for good friends or my own circle of friends but there was no doubt there was a social strata in our school of the most popular through a continuum to the least popular and I was NO WHERE near the high end of that continuum. Interestingly, and probably sadly, upon reflection there is no doubt too that the teachers and staff at the school fed into this social system and favored and rewarded those who were the more popular kids. But that’s another discussion.
Over the years I managed to find myself, got a good education, successful job and became a mother of four great kids who I think certainly fared better in the social networking arena than I ever did. But I can’t help but wonder what were the dynamics that influenced how kids became popular and the movers and shakers in our school.
This weekend I’m hosting a group of kids who are volunteering a year out of their college experience at a Christian school about an hour from Cairo where I’m working on a US government contract. I’m an ethnographer (social researcher) by training and I’ve had an interesting weekend observing them and noting their interactions. This retrospection observing them has brought back a lot of memories from my own interactions and social networking when I was their age. It’s certainly been enlightening.
The very fact they’ve taken the initiative to take off a year from school and volunteer for a year in a country and culture so different than their own says a lot about them in general. In this respect they probably all are unique in their own schools where they hail from (schools across the US and even Mexico). But in so many ways they vary considerably. I notice that about half of them are more willing to be the one to do the grunt work and the workload is definitely not evenly distributed. This is the second time they’ve visiting me for the weekend and I’d have to say the first time they seemed to share the workload more evenly. My observations hint at the workers bees are not the more popular or leaders among the bunch. The ones doing the brunt of the work seem to be the “hanger ons” the ones who watch somewhat longingly from the sidelines hoping to become an insider of the inner circle of friends. I can’t say any of them exclude the others but there’s no doubt the four who seem more popular spend lots of time sitting and talking with one another while the others are left on their own.
I’ve also noticed that the ones who seem oblivious to the others—like when they’re digging in to get food—and don’t consider what they’re taking and how much they’re leaving for the others—are the ones who don’t seem to be in the inner circle. I find this somewhat surprising—the ones who come across as more popular seem more self-aware of their interaction with the others. Note to self: how self aware was I at their age? Maybe I worried too much about what folks thought of ME that I forgot to think about how I was engaging with them/treating them. Hmmm…
So, what’s my point here? I used to think it was all about the newest and fancy clothes I wore (or didn’t wear) that affected my place in the high school pecking order. And I thought maybe my looks (or lack thereof) was a big piece of it—I wasn’t the beautiful, svelte girl like all the really popular girls were.
Maybe the real point is I was so worried about “who” I was and how others perceived of me that I didn’t realize what it meant to be a friend and just seize the day. Maybe those more popular kids were the ones who had a more enlightened and mature understanding of what it meant to enjoy life and carpe diem.
I don’t have any answers folks. But this I do know that over the nearly 60 years I’ve been around I’ve finally learned the lesson to not live my life worried about what others think of me or stress over whether I’m in the inner circle or not. I have learned to enjoy what I get and try to make life just a little bit better for the others around me. And that realization and awakening has been so freeing and rewarding.
P.S. At the end all the kids pulled together and shared the workload. They are all nice kids–I like them a lot but it was interesting to watch their dynamics from the sideline.
I understand better why I was not one of the”popular” kids.
Well I certainly have some more mature insights on why I fared as I did. Anymore I just want to be known as being a good and sincere person. That’s all that matters to me. Although—I don’t mind having a few nice outfits in the closet too!!!
I was really surprised recently when a man who had been the most popular leader/athlete remembered me as having been a “knock-out.” For years i thought the inner circle was determined by looks. I also recently looked at an old annual (having run off to Mississsippi to work in the Civil Rights Movement, I didn’t have one.) I was genuinely shocked to see how very attractive almost everyone was. As far as physical appearance goes, many at low end scored no higher or lower than those at the high end.
Just one observation…
By any chance was that comment the guy who mentioned on FB how beautiful you were just before the Austin massacre? I thought WOW what an interesting comment. I agree I think as we age and become more self-actualized we realize how “off” we were on the things that counted in terms of who we are and how we connect with one another. I sure wish I could relive some of those years and make some different choices. I was really stupid at times I think. Anyway, just try to do things better now.
What took you so long? Just kidding. I was one of those popular people but not one of the MOST ones! Now I am having trouble getting use to being old and overweight!
Wow I am impressed with you working Cairo. You’ve come a long way baby! You are so blessed to have such beautiful grandchildren. (I want one!) Thank you for visiting me from SITS. I put you in my reader so I will be back to visit with you. Have a wonderful weekend.
I am lucky Debby to have great grandkids. They certainly fared better in the looks department than their grandma. Popularity–maybe we all have our little bank account of it–we can use it up quickly or slowly who knows? I guess where I sit now heading straight into my 60s I can’t say it matters too much anymore. I just want to be happy, spend lots of time with my grandkids and hope my bad knee doesn’t act up and hurt too much!
I certainly wasn’t one of the ‘popular’ ones – at my school, the ‘popular’ kids were the ones who were good at sports or music. But I had a good number of good friends… looking back, I don’t even understand what we thought ‘popularity’ meant. It certainly isn’t a concept that is part of my life today. Interesting post – thank you for making me think.
PS You’re right, I love your son’s blog. But I also love yours!! Please do come back another day, I’m not usually anywhere near so geeky 😉
I KNEW it!!!! MOTHERS ALWAYS know. thanks–my blog is for me but I try to writing something that has value or will make people think. but it’s on a totally different intellectual plane than yours or jonny’s blog. hope you do stop by–i really value folks who comment. this is my community while living away from home so it truly is a life line for me!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!
Wow, you’re working in Cairo? Fascinating, I bet!
I was one of those just outside the popular group. My best friend dated the quarterback of the football team so that helped my cause. But not really.
I think I was socially uncomfortable and, as you pointed out, likely to self-focused to really enjoy what was really going on. Interesting convo! I have no idea how my kids will fair. But I can see, even in kindergarten, foundations are being laid.
Hi Cheryl you know sometimes thinking about things from high school is uncomfortable. I’m glad those years are over and I’m where I am now. I wanted my kids to fare better than I did–and I’m pretty sure they did. But as I think about it as an adult and from where I sit I’m sure it’s more formulaic than chance how some become the leaders and others are the leaders. Cairo–very fascinating. Love it and Egyptians. I’m here for about another 16 months or so. I hope to have some rudimentary Arabic before I leave. We’ll see not doing so well yet. Thanks for stopping by–hope to see you again here.
A very interesting post. I think some kids just exude self confidence at an early age, without it becoming “self love”. If they have this combined with sociability then they are onto a winner. As you say being self aware and of how to relate to others. I was never self confident and lacked the ability (still do) to initiate a friendship. Later on of course being pretty/talented/sporty can count for a lot but as toddlers/kindergartners it’s about the former attributes for sure.
Happy Saturday SITS Sharefest and thank you so much for stopping by my blog today
Ah confidence–what a nasty word!! You know even as old as I am now I’m not terribly great in that areana. Sigh…maybe I’ll master it someday before I leave this ole world! I think you’re right that being sporty is a big part of it–talent too. I’m really glad that my ex-husband really taught the kids to be active and involved in sports. I think the sports in particular is important. Thanks for stopping by.
I also never felt like I was in the “in crowd” in high school. I had a great group of skaters and rejects who I felt completely in sync with, but we didn’t do the traditional high school things.
Now, when I see these “cool kids,” they remember me and our experiences together in the same school so differently. I wish that I had stepped outside of myself just a little to gain better perspective.
Of course, would it have worked? We’ll never know.
Hi Kelly–skaters like in skate boarders/ice skaters/roller skaters? Very cool….Ah rejects—do you ever watch NCIS? Abby who’s the forensic scientist on the show (and she’s one in REAL life–I think that is SO cool)–anyway, I digress–I think Abby would have been the “traditional” reject in most high schools. No one would have understood her–her gothic look, piercings or tatoos. And yet the character she plays is such a caring, sensitive person. But it’s hard to get beyond the externals don’t you think? Anyway, I try to do better now that I’m older. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hope to see you again.
tHANKS FOR STOPPING BY. =)
I have always thought that there’s so much more out there than popularity. You are cool in school but are youn open to other cultures?? Cool kids to me just depend on their little world and don’t see the marvelous things around.
Love your blog!!! I wish I lived in Egypt =)
Hey Mayra what an interesting perspective. It could be that lots of folks don’t feel their comfort zone outside of their own circle of friends and place of familiarity. I am SO lucky to live in Egypt and get this chance to learn more about the Middle East. I hope to learn some Arabic before I leave. As I recall you speak only in Spanish to your son right? That is SO neat! You’ll both NEVER regret the learns a second language. Thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you here again.
That’s a really interesting thought. I was never one of the popular kids at school, I also don’t remember being particularly self aware, socially aware or aware of how others may perceive me until I was maybe about 17 years old and actually I think that’s when things started to change a little.
I still wasn’t what you’d normally consider “popular” at 17+ but people liked me, I knew that they liked me. I don’t really remember anything like that before that age and didn’t really have a whole lot of friends before that, I don’t even remember caring about that sort of thing!
I think now, because of my son, I have this desire for other mums to like me so that their children will want to play with mine. I’m kind of odd looking for a mother (piercings, tattoos, alternative dress sense) and weirdly, acceptance and recognition as a “good mother” from them concerns me so much more than it would have done in school!
I’ve since heard from people I went to school with that people actually did like me, I had no idea!
Sorry, I’ve written you a little essay here!
Hi Satakieli no problem with essays I love the interaction and communication. That’s what this blogging is supposed to be about right? It’s too bad we judge folks by their outside/external characteristics and don’t get down to the things that really define who they are–their character and morals, the things they think about and that drive the decisions they make in life, their humanity and compassion, the way they treat others–hopefully your son is living in a gentler world. We can hope so anyway. But I wonder. My daughter told me that her oldest daughter who is only 5 is already aware of the friendship packs that are forming and trying to connect to the other kids in her pre-school. But if I understand correctly there are some girls who are already excluding others–why? who knows–my grand daughter is about as “cool” as a kid can be. But who am I to say–I’m her doting grandmother!? Thanks for stopping by–hope to see you here again.
Hi Diane,
Thanks for paying me a visit.
We give a lot of weightage to popularity — as kids and, unfortunately, even as adults. It provides a kind of validation — a feeling of acceptance into the tribe. But what it is really, is a big ego-boost. The more insecure we are inside, the more we seek out external support. Once self-confidence hits, the “need” to be popular starts dissipating. Maturity, I guess, isn’t age-dependent 🙂
By the way, I LOVE the fact that you’re an ethnographer. I took an ethnographic journalism class while doing my master’s — it was hands down my favorite class. Read “The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down” as an example of great ethnographic writing — beautiful book.
So happy you found my blog, and I, in turn, yours 🙂
Best,
Mansi.
Hi Mansi isn’t being popular somewhat like a job performance that you wrote about? The more self-reflective you are in the process the better you fare. Hadn’t thought of that until now but I think there’s somewhat of a link. Thanks for the names of those books. I’ll have to check them out. I’m actually a classroom ethnographer–trying to make sense of what takes place in classrooms but the basic techniques are the same. I enjoy it very much although I do more management anymore than technical work. Sigh….Thanks for stopping by. I hope to see you here again. Diane
Well what else is there to say but “congratulations”!! 🙂